Ten steps to becoming a Linux snob
There was a time when merely being a Linux user set you apart from the common herd. Linux was hard to install, and took years to learn to use effectively. You could feel superior just by being able to get Linux to boot at all.
These days, Linux is as easy to install and use as anything else. Easier, perhaps. Anybody can do it. So using Linux is no longer a sign of our geek status – we need to go further.
Here are a few suggestions.
1. Cultivate a neck-beard or some other grooming catastrophe
Unappealing facial hair is a sign of a committed Linux user. If
you’re unable, for biological reasons, to grow a neck-beard, knee-length
socks with sandals is a reasonable alternative badge of status. I once
shaved my beard, and forgot how to use grep. True story.
And as for personal hygeine – who wants to waste time showering or
cleaning their teeth? A Linux snob is too busy hacking for that kind of
thing.
2. Never refer to ‘Linux’ – it’s ‘GNU/Linux’ or some-such
It’s best to correct anybody who makes this mistake, ideally with a sneering half-chuckle. Linux is for the masses, GNU/Linux is for the illuminati.
3. Hate on Linux dstributions that are intended to be user-friendly with as much vigour as you hate on Windows
Ordinary Linux users hate on Windows (and with good reason); Linux snobs hate with the same intensity on Linux variants that are too easy to use. Ubuntu is a good target, because it’s so popular. Linux snobs use Gentoo, and compile their installations from source. Or, better yet, build their own Linux from scratch.
But whichever Linux distribution you use, it’s the best, because you use it, and you wouldn’t use anything but the best.
4. Lose all you social skills, if you ever had any
For on-line interactions, passive-aggressive is the way to go. For example, if somebody approaches you for help with a technical problem, respond in a way that is correct, but incomprehensible to anybody who doesn’t already know the answer. This is much more fun that actual rudeness, because the target might be willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume that you’re not being a dick on purpose. Of course, actual rudeness is always an option. A good place to practice your lack of social skills is on the Gentoo forum.
For real-world interactions – no, don’t worry: Linux snobs don’t have any.
5. Use ten-year-old Thinkpads
A Linux snob doesn’t use hardware made after 2015. It has to weigh a ton and cost less than £100 on the second-hand market. Most importantly, it needs to be possible to dismantle it completely without tools.
In the unlikely event that you travel outside your mother’s basement, it’s not a bad idea to cover your laptop with Penguin stickers, so you can be sure that everybody knows what’s installed on it.
6. Do everything in a terminal
Linux snobs never stray far from a command line. Better still, they find convoluted ways to use the command line to do things that normal people use regular software for.
Better still, don’t even have a graphical user interface at all.
7. Use arcane tools like Vim that have to be learned
The world is full of good-quality, easy-to-use software. But that’s of no interest to the Linux snob. Real software must be learned, ideally over many years. If you need to edit a text file – and you do, because the Linux snob recognizes no other type of data – use Vim or Emacs. First, because they need only a terminal (see point 6 above). And, second, you need to study them to use them effectively. If you study Vim for a couple of years, you’ll be able to do a search-and-replace operation two seconds faster than with any other editor.
8. Find some new development in Linux that few people care about, and beat on it hard
Your best choice here is probably still systemd. It doesn’t really matter whether you love it or hate it but, as a Linux snob, you can’t be indifferent. You’ve got to pick a side, and then rubbish everybody on the other side with all your strength. Wayland seems to be replacing systemd as the primary reason for us to froth at our mouths these days. Once upon a time it was CUPS. Then Gnome. And so on.
Ordinary Linux users don’t care much about these things, one way or another, which just goes to show how ill-informed they are.
9. Spend all your free time ricing
‘Ricing’ is a slang term for customizing the user interface. Linux, of course, offers unmatched opportunities for this kind of time-wasting. You need to make sure that your Linux desktop looks unlike anybody else’s, and certainly as unlike the mainstream as possible. Then you need to do your best to make sure everybody knows it, and waste no opportunity to mock bland, utilitarian set-ups.
An alternative approach is the ironic one, of making your Linux system look just like Windows 11. Whatever your approach, however, it should offer minimal increase in productivity for maximal effort.
10. Learn to program in Rust
You can’t be a good Linux user if you aren’t a Linux programmer. Ordinary Linux users – the ones that favour Ubuntu and Mint – get a kick out of being able to program in Python. C programmers look down on Python programmers, and Rust programmers look down on everybody.
Once you’ve learned to program in Rust, which shouldn’t take more than a couple of years with a bit of effort, you can begin to tread the path of the Rust snob, and re-implement everything in Linux using Rust. C is for the masses, these days.
Note
Because people sometimes don’t know when I’m joking: this article is supposed to be ironic. But, in fact, I am at least a bit of a Linux snob.
